Thoughts on being Pregnant in my Old Age

I don't understand  God 's wisdom.  Why He would decide that I would get married so late in life and then pregnant and having my first child at almost 35 years of age.  If its was me, I would have made it so, I would get married at 22 or 24 and pregnant at 26, and have this long lasting family with many kids.  That would be my plan.  Wasn't God's plan.

I wanted to have kids, but my 20's rolled by and I was single and my 30's were passing by and I was still single.  SO eventually those desires past by.  And then I accepted I wasn't going to have kids and my life, and my mind, molded around that.  And I was like, OK I'm different, I'm kind of a weirdo, but Jesus loves misfits.  Misfits can be the friends of Jesus.

I lived my life being the 'single woman with no kids', that was my box that everyone put me in.  Now I'm married and the baby is on the way.  So, my old friends, that I knew before, they can't deal with me.  Because I'm not 'the single woman with no kids'.  It seems like old friends can't wrap their head around the fact that I changed.

New friends are comforting to me, people that didn't know me before.  Because they accept who I am today.  A few of my old friends adapted.  I guess those friends really liked me for who I am.  I guess some friends, we can relate beyond a superficial level.

Life is always changing.  Even if its seems like things have been the same way forever, things will change. We need to accept people for who they are today and not hold their past against them.  God is able to forget our past and make us new.

Isaiah 43:19

Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.

Agonizing Fear of Childbirth

At some point, early on in my pregnancy I figured it out.  OK, baby is the size of a watermelon and down there.....I can do math, its not going to fit.  I think my mom finally explained it to me.  OK things sometimes tear apart.  Nice.
So I have 2 choices a) get mutilated and tear b) major abdominal surgery, anesthesia, and morphine, stitches and staples.
I lie awake at night crippled with fear.  I've never been in a hospital and I've never had surgery.  I have a blood phobia and I faint when I see blood or needles.  I've never even done drugs so I don't know what will happen if I get anaesthetic or morphine.
So I am in a state of terror.  Its impossible. Then I hear a quiet voice, amid the loud voice of fear roaring in my head.

"...with God, all things are possible"

One night the Spirit of God comforted me.  It wasn't because of anything I did.  I didn't pray for 6 hours, I didn't fast, I barely acknowledged God.  He drew near to me.
All I needed, was to know that God knew how afraid I was.  That took all my fears away.  I found comfort in God that I couldn't find in anyone else.  God knew my fears.
The all powerful Creator of the Universe, who is in control of my life, and my soul, if He knows my fears and comforts me, then I have nothing to be afraid of.  If I bleed to death, or have a heart attack in childbirth, now I know Jesus will be there, and I have an eternal friend who watches over my soul.  He will accept me, according to the scriptures:

John 11:25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.