Friday 6 September 2013

The Birth Story

It was Friday night.  Baby was 6 days overdue.  I was scheduled for induction Saturday, at 41 weeks. However, it turned out I didn't need the induction, I went into labour spontaneously the night before the induction.  Me and Ben had prayed, and our church had prayed for labour to start spontaneously, and sure enough, God answered our prayers.  Right on time.

That night I went to bed around 10 or 11pm, but I couldn't sleep.  Around midnight, I felt the baby stretching and hurting inside me again and again.  I woke Ben up "Awwww Ben the baby is stretching inside me, it really hurts".  The next time the baby 'stretched' inside me, I thought, hmmmm, could this be a contraction?

I said "Hey Ben, I think I had a contraction".  We didn't get exited about it because we had heard many stories of false labour and false starts and stops.  I tried sleeping but the pain was so bad.  I don't really remember what I did all night but Ben was sleeping most of the night.  I paced around the house and tried different positions, sitting in the lazy boy, laying on the couch.... Around 3 am, I layed in bed and I felt the most gripping pain I've ever felt in my life.  It felt like someone grabbed my butthole and twisted my insides like a wet towel.  I screamed and Ben finally woke up.

I started pacing and groaning for the rest of the night.  I was leaning on the staircase, rocking my hips.  Around 6am, the pain was getting bad and frequent.  Ben was timing the contractions and I was standing in the hot shower.  The shower helped the pain.  The contractions were coming harder and more frequent, they were 45 seconds long and 3 minutes apart, regularly.  From that time on, we tried figuring out when to go to the hospital.

We went to the hospital at 8am.  I couldn't sit in the truck, so I crawled on the floor of the truck on my hands and knees.  It was a 45 minute drive to the hospital on my hands and knees, contractions all the way to the hospital.  It was hard to walk from the parking lot to the Labour and Delivery ward with contractions.  When we got to Labour and Delivery, I was examined and found to be 6cm dialated.  I was admitted into a birthing room.

For the first few hours the nurse and I tried all kinds of different natural pain relief methods, the birthing ball, counter pressure, etc.  I wanted a natural childbirth, this was my "birth plan".  However, things didn't go the way I planned.  I got stuck at 8cm and I stopped progressing.

The doctor came in the birthing room with the resident. I guess the resident was learning what to do, so the doctor asked 'what should we do?"  The resident shrugged his shoulders and says "Oxytocin?".  The doctor nodded and they asked me if I wanted the oxytocin.  That was sort of weird, I thought, you're asking me?  Sure, why not.  The doctor and resident left the room.  The nurse started the oxytocin drip to increase my contractions to get to 10cm.  The oxytocin made my contractions harder and more frequent, and thankfully, I started progressing again in labour.  I was getting tired.  

I was exhasted and I couldnt take anymore.  My 'natural birth' plan was thrown out and I asked for the epidural, partially because of the pain, but mostly because I was so tired.  The anesthesiologist  was busy so I had to wait a painful 45 minutes.  Finally, the anesthesiologist administered the epidural.

The epidural didn't work.  The nurse was putting ice cubes on my belly and I felt everything.  Only a tiny 2 inch band was frozen around my waist.  I had to go on without any pain relief.  I kept pushing the epidural button and it gave me nothing.  I actually stood up and walked around.  I started asking for General Anesthetic.

By God's grace, I found enough strength and determination to carry on without pain relief, perhaps God strengthened me by the prayers of those who were praying for me.  Ben was there beside me and we discovered we could make it through each hellish contraction if I pulled his arm and he pulled, like tug of war. Ben was counting down each contraction for me "only 10 more seconds...." This went on for hours.  Finally, around 6pm everything changed.  I reached 10cm, and my body started automatically trying to push the baby out.  I couldn't control the pushing, my body took over.

I yelled to the nurse "I'm pushing!".  The nurse called the doctor but there were no doctors available.  The nurse was coaching me how to push and showing me different positions.  But the baby would not move down the birth canal, the baby was stuck.  At one point the resident showed up without the doctor.  I overheard "the doctor is doing a repair, the doctor is in surgery".  The nurse and resident checked the position of the babies head, I heard the resident say "I think the baby is posterior".  I knew that meant the baby's head was facing my belly instead of facing my spine.

The nurse tried turning the baby using natural methods.  I was pushing on my hands and knees and the nurse tried lifting one of my legs and turning me on my side.  But the baby would not turn.  Me and Ben started praying fervently.  Both of us were crying out to God "Jesus please turn this baby, Jesus please hear our prayers.  I think it was the most desperate prayer I have ever prayed in my life.  I was literally crying to God to hear me.  So was Ben.

And God did answer our prayers.  Suddenly, a team of doctors rushed into the room.  A woman doctor appeared like an angel.  She was so skilled and confident.  The resident said to her "I think the baby is posterior".  The doctor checked me and said "Yes, he is posterior".  The doctor reached in and turned the baby around .  I felt the babies body rotate inside me, forcefully, bones grinding against bones.  I just rolled my eyes back into my head and suffered.

Finally, the baby was in the right position.  I started pushing again and baby started moving easily down the birth canal.  I was so exhasted.  I couldn't push anymore.  I said to the doctor "can you vacuum him out or something???"  The doctor grabbed the vacuum and said "Yes, but you have to help me".  I heard the vacuum suction onto the babies head and he was out in 2 or 3 pushes.

The pain was so bad, I heard voices clearly, but I was closing my eyes.  I heard people cheering for me.  (There were 10 or 12 people in the room), doctors, nurses and a team to suction the babies lungs because my water had broken and I had mecomium in the water.

I felt the babies head crown, and I knew, its really happening, I did it, its over.  The babies head came out, and the babies body easily slid out.  I heard the doctor ask Ben if he wanted to cut the cord, I looked up and I saw my baby covered in blood being rushed to the warming station.  I said to the doctor "Is he OK"  She said "Oh yeah".  The pain was instantly over.  It was instant relief.

Then I heard my baby cry.  That was the happiest moment of my life.  He had these tiny cries.  I thought it would be like in the movies, like loud screaming 'waaahhhs" but he had these tiny cries, like 'ah ah ah'.  It was so cute.  Ben was with the baby, taking photos, watching everything the nurses were doing.

The doctor removed the placenta, I didn't feel anything.  Ben was with the baby, feeding him with a bottle of formula the nurse had given him.  The nurse wanted me to breastfeed but didn't want to, I didn't even want to hold the baby I was so tired, I just wanted to rest.  I held him for a few minutes, but he was too heavy for me, I was so tired.  In total, I was in labor for 20 hours and 38 minutes.

Finally I was wheeled into a recovery room with my baby.  That was the best night of my life.  Me and Ben spent the whole night staring at our baby in amazement.  We couldn't do anything but stare at him.  


In the end, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Baby was almost 9lbs.  My body stretched and I was able to birth the 9lb baby, even though I'm a small woman.  I lost a lot of blood, just like I feared, but I didn't even notice or feel different.  I didn't have any bad reactions to any drugs.  All my fears were unfounded, and eveyrthing worked out in the end.


Overdue

I am now officially "Overdue".  The last word a pregnant woman wants to hear.

I went to the doctor for my 40 week exam, found out that my body is not making any progress toward labor.  My doctor recommended an induction due to my non-progressive cervix and high blood pressure currently at 145 / 95.  I agreed to the induction. Mainly because I understood that my body is not gearing up for labour.  I already knew this.  The past few weeks, I haven't felt any kind of cramping or pain or anything resembling a contraction.  In fact, I wake up every morning feeling 'great" and pain free.

The doctor gave me an admittance form for the hospital.  I've never been admitted to a hospital before.  Its kind of scary to think of what is coming up for me...induction...c section?  Me and Ben have watched all the documentaries about how induction (oxytocin) leads to c section....My imagination starts going wild with all kinds of doomsday scenarios, what if...oh no this is going to happen....So weird how our thoughts plummet into negativity so easily.

When the doctor gave me the date....it finally hit me.  The baby is coming, in 4 days.  That really sent me into momentary shock and panic.  Wait, the day, is finally here.  Part of me is terrified, part of me is overjoyed.

All these events leave me puzzled and once again I'm pondering the mysteries of God.  Me and Ben have been praying for a natural childbirth.  I had assumed the whole time I would naturally go into labour around 39 weeks.  Since 37 weeks, we prayed every day that God would start labour. And here I am, overdue and scheduled for induction.

As of today, God didn't answer our prayers.  I'm not angry or immature about it.  It just reminds me that God is not a magic genie.  

Reminds me that my relationship with God is "step-by-step".  I have no clear road map of my life.  I don't know what will happen from one day to the next.  This pregnancy has thrown some curveballs at me.  So, I have to adapt. Because I'm not God. I don't love and obey God because He answers my prayers.  I love and obey God because He is God.  I've been thinking about the Bible and the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego:

Daniel 3:17-19 
If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.  

I still love God, even if He does not answer my prayer for a natural childbirth.

I just imagine God, in heaven.  He is able to speak one word, and this baby will come forth and God will breath life into this baby.  It will all happen on His terms.  It doesn't matter how much I'm impatient and freaking out.  In some way, I do believe God is able to work through doctors.  When I was in that exam room and the doctor recommended induction, and I agreed, I felt inner peace with that.  I know my blood pressure is getting higher and I have none of the medical 'signs' that labor will start on its own.

So me and my doctor have made a decision, based on the best of our knowledge, based on the risks of my high blood pressure, overdue baby, and my lack of progress.  Now I have to live with that decision, and I go on to the next step.  Induction.

Sunday 16 June 2013

Last weeks of Pregnancy 38 weeks

This week will be 38 weeks.  If baby arrives on time, I only have 2 weeks left of pregnancy.  I have mixed feelings.  The past 9 months, most of the time, I hated being pregnant, all the hormones and symptoms and discomforts.  But part of me is sad about the baby being out.

Baby is kicking right now.  I just ate breakfast and had a cup of tea, so I'm sure he got a little rush of caffiene and he likes when I eat.  He is doing little jerky movements.  I am trying to remember what it feels like, because I won't feel it ever again.  I have to remember what it feels like when his little foot bone is sliding across the top of my belly.

Some days, when he is active I play with his feet.  I touch his little feet and talk to him.  He tries to move his feet away from my hand, and I follow his feet until he hides them.

Ben sometimes plays with him too.  Well, Ben usually jiggles him and talks to him.  A few times the baby was sleeping and Ben jiggled him awake.  I was like "that was your daddy, not me".

One thing I will miss about being pregnant is my husband pampering me.  Sometimes I pretend to be too tired to cook and Ben cooks for us.  Although he cooks such meals as : hot dogs, frozen pizza, and deep fried chicken wings.   Sometimes I pretend to have a sore back and he rubs my back :-)

My favorite part about being pregnant (and there is a favorite part) is: I never thought it was possible to be so close to another human being.  Both me and the baby, and me and Ben.  Sometimes, when its the 3 of us are together, I never thought it was possible to be so close to anyone.  I feel like we are bound to each other.  I never thought God would give me such a huge blessing.
38 weeks


Thursday 23 May 2013

Fear Part 2


All my life I have struggled with fear.  I wonder how some people can be so fearless and afraid of nothing.  Not me.  I find myself in fear quite often.

What kind of things am I afraid of? 

#1 I’m afraid of flying.  I don’t mind flying around North America, but I’m terrified to fly overseas.  As soon as the plane is over the ocean, I start fearing.  I start imagining the plane crashing into the ocean.  Every noise, every bump I start wondering what is wrong with the engine. 

I once flew from Calgary to London, England and I spent a good 25 minutes in the bathroom terrified and throwing up.  Last year, me and Ben went to Indonesia, 14 hours across the pacific!!!  Just before we left for Indonesia, we knelt beside the bed and we prayed for me, I was terrified!  I remember stepping onto the Boeing 737 leaving Los Angeles for Taiwan.  It felt like the scariest thing I had ever done.  And you know what?  When my foot crossed from the gate to the aircraft, I won the victory over fear. I was committed, no turning back and I had to face my fear.
  
And do you know what?  Everytime, God came through, and all of those planes landed, just as they were supposed to.

So now I’m pregnant and afraid.  I’m afraid of childbirth, I'm afriad of surgery.  I’m not good with blood and doctors and hospitals.  Like I said, I’m not a ‘fearless’ person like so many others around.

But I finally realized after 35 years, that I can’t let fear control my life.  I was terrified to fly to Indonesia, but I couldn’t let fear take away my blessing of our fun vacation.  And, we had fun in Indonesia, and looking back, I barely remember those scary 14 hours on the plane.

I have so many good stories about being in Indonesia.  I went to Africa twice and Europe about three times.  Everytime I was scared, but everytime it was worth it. 

Pregnancy and childbirth are terrifying to me.  I am so afraid of childbirth.  But I can’t let fear take away the blessing of a baby.  I know it will be scary, but I can't wait to see my little baby.  I've been with him all day every day for over 8 months now.  I can wait to finally see him. 


Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. 
Psalm 42:5

Friday 15 March 2013

Thoughts on being Pregnant in my Old Age


I don't understand  God 's wisdom.  Why He would decide that I would get married so late in life and then pregnant and having my first child at almost 35 years of age.  If its was me, I would have made it so, I would get married at 22 or 24 and pregnant at 26, and have this long lasting family with many kids.  That would be my plan.  Wasn't God's plan.

I wanted to have kids, but my 20's rolled by and I was single and my 30's were passing by and I was still single.  SO eventually those desires past by.  And then I accepted I wasn't going to have kids and my life, and my mind, molded around that.  And I was like, OK I'm different, I'm kind of a weirdo, but Jesus loves misfits.  Misfits can be the friends of Jesus.

I lived my life being the 'single woman with no kids', that was my box that everyone put me in.  Now I'm married and the baby is on the way.  So, my old friends, that I knew before, they can't deal with me.  Because I'm not 'the single woman with no kids'.  It seems like old friends can't wrap their head around the fact that I changed.

New friends are comforting to me, people that didn't know me before.  Because they accept who I am today.  A few of my old friends adapted.  I guess those friends really liked me for who I am.  I guess some friends, we can relate beyond a superficial level.

Life is always changing.  Even if its seems like things have been the same way forever, things will change. We need to accept people for who they are today and not hold their past against them.  God is able to forget our past and make us new.

Isaiah 43:19

Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.

Agonizing Fear of Childbirth


At some point, early on in my pregnancy I figured it out.  OK, baby is the size of a watermelon and down there.....I can do math, its not going to fit.  I think my mom finally explained it to me.  OK things sometimes tear apart.  Nice.
So I have 2 choices a) get mutilated and tear b) major abdominal surgery, anesthesia, and morphine, stitches and staples.
I lie awake at night crippled with fear.  I've never been in a hospital and I've never had surgery.  I have a blood phobia and I faint when I see blood or needles.  I've never even done drugs so I don't know what will happen if I get anaesthetic or morphine.
So I am in a state of terror.  Its impossible. Then I hear a quiet voice, amid the loud voice of fear roaring in my head.

"...with God, all things are possible"

One night the Spirit of God comforted me.  It wasn't because of anything I did.  I didn't pray for 6 hours, I didn't fast, I barely acknowledged God.  He drew near to me.
All I needed, was to know that God knew how afraid I was.  That took all my fears away.  I found comfort in God that I couldn't find in anyone else.  God knew my fears.
The all powerful Creator of the Universe, who is in control of my life, and my soul, if He knows my fears and comforts me, then I have nothing to be afraid of.  If I bleed to death, or have a heart attack in childbirth, now I know Jesus will be there, and I have an eternal friend who watches over my soul.  He will accept me, according to the scriptures:

John 11:25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. 


Wednesday 27 February 2013

22 Weeks

22 Weeks Pregnant Today - I was to embarrassed to take a side shot, my belly is getting big!  Baby is kicking a lot, although, I would describe it as 'squirming' more than kicking.  He kind of feels like a little tapeworm sometimes.

22 Weeks Pregnant
22 Weeks Pregnant

Thursday 7 February 2013

18 Week Ultrasound Boy or Girl?


My doctor ordered another ultrasound at 18 weeks to make sure the baby was developing normally.  We would also be able to find out the sex of the baby if we wanted to know.  Of course we wanted to know.  I was tired of calling the baby "it".  I wanted to pick a name and buy some baby stuf.

So again, we saw the baby on the ultrasound screen.  The ultrasound tech measured the baby's head and feet and hands, and took pictures of the heart and kidney and all kinds of other things.  The baby was facing my back and she couldn't get the baby to turn, so apparently the pictures didn't turn out very well.

Then, finally the moment we had been waiting for!  It it a boy or gir?  The ultrasound technician tried looking between the baby's legs but the baby had its legs tight together and woundn't open its legs.  She kept trying to get the baby to open its legs.  She was pushing on my uterus and trying to jiggle the baby.  Finally the baby opened its legs and she took some shots.  Ben imediately knew....."Its a boy".  The ultrasound technician was like "Yes, its a boy".  And I am kind of.....slow.  I was trying to figure it all out.  I just couldn't understand how they knew it was a boy.  So I was studying the screen, and I saw legs, butt cheeks.....and I just coudn't understand.  So the ultrasound technician pointed the arrow between the legs for me and said "scrotum". 

I had another moment of nonsensical, I sometimes talk nonsensical when I get overwhelmed.  I was like "Oh, could it be a girl?".  And the ultrasound technician is like "no".

Baby's cute little feet at 18 weeks

Random Thoughts about Pregnancy


Most of the time I don't have anyone to talk to about being pregnant.  I don't have any girl friends, just 2 male dogs and my husband.
Sometimes, I ask Ben pregnancy questions.  It generally does not help to ask a man pregnancy questions.  You will just get frustrated because they just don't get it.  Today I asked Ben:
"Do I look pregnant" he actually said "well, to me you look pregnant, but to other people you just look chubby".
Ever since I started getting bigger, Ben started getting bigger too.  Apparently he has a phenomena called sympathy pregnancy.  Even my DOG is getting fat. If I ever complain about my weight gain, Ben normally lets his gut hang out to show me that he's fat too.  Then he shows me Ray's fat tummy and Ray starts wagging his tail and they both start showing off their fat guts.  Like, that's supposed to make me feel better.

18 Weeks

18 Weeks Pregnant

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and barely showing.  The baby is in there somewhere....

Food Cravings


One of the good things about pregnancy is the food cravings.  Its like a wild ride, I don't know where my food cravings will take me next.  Ben hasn't resisted any of my food craving, I think he likes the food adventure.  We never know what we are going to eat next.  So, Ben has been gaining some weight and getting thick around the midsection.  Even my dog Ray has been getting leftovers and getting fat.  Here are some of the foods I have had cravings for:

Lemon Pie
Buffalo chicken wings with ranch dressing
A&W Root Beer
Pink Lemonade
Mr. Noodle
Jello
Watermelon


First Ultrasound 12 Weeks


I remember laying on the exam table and the ultrasound technician was poking the probe around and I was watching the ultrasound screen.  It was such a tense moment, I was so nervous about what I would see.  Would there be a baby inside?  Or was it all a mistake?  Even though all the tests were positive, my body looked the same, and I felt the same, was there really a baby in there?

I will always remember that flash of a second when I saw the baby on the screen, then the baby disappeared as the technician adjusted the settings and tried finding the baby again.   It was unbelievable.  I saw a baby.

Ben was so happy and I was trying to talk but ended up saying nonsensical things.   I was still in a state of shock, like this is really happening? That baby is inside me?  The baby was having a nap.  The baby briefly woke up and it did a few little stretches, like it was relaxing on the beach, reading a magazine or something.  The baby had no care in the world.  And here I am, having anxiety and worrying about everything.  It was funny, how the baby was in its own world, completely unaware we were watching it lounge.

Some people don't believe in God, but seeing the baby makes it clear to me there is a God.  How could this baby be concieved and forming in perfect order unless there is a God who ordered this?  How could this all happen by nothing, by blobs of cells over billions of years?  No, there is a God who has made all these things happen, in perfect order.

At 12 weeks we saw the baby's little heart beating at 168 beats per minute.  The baby's little body was forming.

Jeremiah 1:5

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”


Fit Pregnancy


When I found out I was pregnant, I decided that I wanted to be ‘fit’ during pregnancy and I envisioned myself doing workouts and eating healthy. I kept reading Fit Pregnancy articles and I imagined myself as a Fit Pregnancy model, with toned biceps wearing stretchy pants to show off my lean figure and perfectly shaped baby bump.  It was my way of making it through the nine months with a goal or something to focus on.

Fit Pregnancy turned out to be a joke.  There is no such thing as Fit Pregnancy.  All I wanted to do was lie on the couch in sweat pants all day.  I was breaking out in weird rashes, nauseous and tired.  I gained 10lbs in 3 months.  Every morning I was shoving as much toast and crackers down as I could, so I wouldn't throw up at work.

I forced myself to swim, but my 2000 meter swim workouts were reduced to 800 meters if I was lucky.  I was out of breath after 10 minutes and then I wanted to sleep.  Then I started getting embarrassed at my big belly and I didn’t want to go to Lane Swim anymore because I looked like a whale, so I started going to Family Swim so I could swim with the mom's n' tots instead of the lean professional athletes.  So instead of my usually 2000 meter lane workout, I was floating around with kids and seniors citizens.

The Positive Stick


Something wasn't right.  I remember it was a Monday night.  "Uh, Ben....".  For some reason, he just didn't get it.  He was distracted with other things and he just said not to worry that everything would be back to normal soon.  A week went by.  All week, I kept trying to tell him something was wrong.  So finally after a week of trying to communicate this to him we finally bought a home pregnancy test.
I peed on the stick and we looked at the stick and it made the positive sign.  Now, this was really confusing. I was trying to figure out, does positive mean, pregnant or not pregnant?  We tried interpreting the stick in different ways, we tried turning it.  We looked at it more than five times each. Finally, Ben said "your pregnant, we are going to have a baby".
It was final.  The stick said "positive" and positive meant pregnant.  I just felt overwhelmed but at the same time I couldn't understand.  I had a brief moment when I felt like time stopped and God smiled at me.  I felt like God had surprised me with a blessing I had never expected, or imagined or ever planned for.